Blog – Difficulty trusting your own feelings
Difficulty trusting your own feelings
When Desire Pulls and Pushes the Mind at the Same Time
Most people think of desire as something that either is or isn’t.
You want someone, or you don’t.
You feel drawn, or you feel closed.
But for many people, desire doesn’t behave so cleanly.
Instead, it oscillates.
One moment there is intensity, longing, aliveness, even obsession.
The next moment there is overwhelm, withdrawal, numbness, or a sudden need for distance.
This push–pull experience of lust and intimacy is not a character flaw, a lack of clarity, or a failure of commitment. It is a nervous-system pattern — one that deeply affects the mind.
What oscillating lust actually is
Oscillating lust occurs when the systems that govern desire, care, and social connection activate without sufficient regulation.
From an affective neuroscience perspective, lust is not just a psychological impulse. It is rooted in subcortical motivational systems — particularly the LUST, CARE, and PLAY circuits described by Jaak Panksepp.
These systems are designed to:
move us toward connection
support bonding and reproduction
create pleasure, curiosity, and shared aliveness
However, when early experiences of closeness were inconsistent, overwhelming, intrusive, or abruptly withdrawn, the nervous system may learn two contradictory lessons at once:
Closeness is vital for safety and aliveness
Closeness is dangerous or too much
Oscillation is what happens when both lessons remain active.
What this does to the mind
When lust oscillates, the mind is forced into constant interpretation and self-management.
People often report:
obsessive thinking about someone, followed by sudden emotional shutdown
idealisation followed by irritation, shame, or avoidance
difficulty trusting their own feelings (“Do I want this or not?”)
mental exhaustion from analysing every interaction
intrusive sexual or romantic thoughts that feel out of control
a sense of being “pulled” internally, even when no action is taken
This happens because the prefrontal cortex (the thinking, planning part of the brain) is repeatedly recruited to manage unresolved subcortical activation.
In simple terms:
The body fires.
The mind scrambles to make sense of it.
Over time, this can create anxiety, rumination, and a loss of confidence in one’s own perceptions.
The neuroscience underneath the pull
Lust activates dopaminergic SEEKING pathways, particularly involving the ventral tegmental area (VTA) and nucleus accumbens, which generate motivation, focus, and anticipation (Berridge & Robinson, 1998).
CARE and attachment systems involve oxytocinergic and opioid pathways, which support bonding and emotional safety.
When these systems activate without sufficient vagal regulation, the sympathetic nervous system rises quickly — creating urgency, intensity, and fixation.
At the same time, if the nervous system has learned that closeness leads to overwhelm or loss of self, defensive inhibition follows. This may involve dorsal vagal shutdown, emotional numbing, or sudden distancing (as described in polyvagal theory by Stephen Porges).
The result is a loop:
Activation (desire, pull, excitement)
Threat detection (loss of control, vulnerability)
Protective withdrawal
Absence and longing
Re-activation
This loop is not a conscious choice. It is a patterned survival response.
Human costs of oscillating lust
Left unrecognised, oscillating lust can shape lives in painful ways.
Common human impacts include:
unstable or short-lived relationships
cycles of intense connection followed by sudden endings
sexual behaviour that feels compulsive rather than chosen
avoidance of intimacy altogether to escape the cycle
shame around desire (“Something is wrong with me”)
confusion between chemistry and compatibility
In long-term partnerships, this pattern may show up as alternating closeness and distance, sexual intensity followed by long dry spells, or emotional withdrawal after moments of connection.
Importantly, many people with this pattern are highly relational, sensitive, and deeply caring. The issue is not lack of capacity for intimacy — it is lack of nervous-system stability during intimacy.
Real-world examples
Emma, 34, describes falling hard for people quickly, feeling consumed by attraction — then suddenly feeling trapped and needing space. She often ends relationships abruptly, only to grieve intensely afterward.
Jon, 41, stays single despite wanting connection. He experiences strong sexual desire but disconnects emotionally the moment someone reciprocates interest. “As soon as it’s real,” he says, “my body shuts down.”
Maya, 29, notices her mind becoming obsessive after intimate encounters. She replays moments, messages, and imagined futures — then feels flooded and avoids contact for days.
None of these people lack insight. What they lack is regulation in the presence of desire.
Why insight alone doesn’t fix it
Many people try to think their way out of oscillation:
analysing attachment styles
setting rules around dating
suppressing desire
forcing themselves to “push through” intimacy
These approaches often fail because oscillation is not primarily cognitive.
The nervous system does not respond to reasoning when it perceives threat or loss of control. It responds to felt safety, containment, and pacing.
Until the body learns that aliveness can exist without danger, the mind will remain caught in the loop.
A short three-step stabilising practice
This is not a practice to remove desire.
It is a practice to stabilise yourself when you feel pulled.
1. Containment first (30–60 seconds)
Place one hand on your upper chest and one on your lower ribs.
Gently engage your arms with about 5% muscle tone.
Let the body feel its own boundary.
This tells the nervous system: I am here, and I am intact.
2. Slow the urge, not the feeling (1–2 minutes)
Do not suppress desire.
Simply slow your movements, your breathing, and your reactions.
Let the sensation exist without acting on it.
This teaches: Feeling does not require immediate movement.
3. Orient outward (30–60 seconds)
Name three things you can see or hear around you.
Bring attention back to the present environment.
This reduces internal looping and restores perspective.
Repeat this whenever the pull feels strong. Over time, the nervous system learns a new option: stay.
The deeper arc
Oscillating lust is not a life sentence.
It is a sign of a system that has learned intensity without safety.
With repeated experiences of containment and stability, desire can soften into something more spacious — less urgent, less frightening, and more available for real intimacy.
The work is not about choosing closeness or distance.
The work is about teaching the body that it can feel desire
and remain whole.
References (selected):
Panksepp, J. (1998). Affective Neuroscience. Oxford University Press.
Berridge, K. C., & Robinson, T. E. (1998). What is the role of dopamine in reward? Brain Research Reviews.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. Norton.
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